The duality of indecision

Okay, I think it was Sir Issac Newton: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, or, to put it another way, the Clash: Should I stay or should I go now? If I knew how to put a link to the song, I would do that here, because it has been in my head constantly for the past 2 days or so. I know that I am definitely going, so it's more of the Newton philosophy of trying to find balance in a world of opposite and competing expectations: I want to go, it will be a great experience, the world is a great place to be out and about in, I love adventure, etc. at cross purposes with what will I miss while I am gone, the safety and security of home and the relationships with the people I love. The list is shorter in actual items for staying, but the needs are deeper. I am basically a homebody, and this letting go is hard for me. Fortunately, the details do seem to be working themselves out. I have a family who is supportive of this journey, a home and a life to return to, I am not destitute, I love to laugh, and I generally know that the glass is half full. (Whether the glass is half full, or half empty, there is still only half a glass, and room for plenty more in life!)

Here is a perfect example of this lack of decision making/process in a concrete form: Have you seen my myspace page? I wrote at the top how much I was loving the unseasonably warm weather we had this past week. And, in the very same update to my page, I added graphics of a cabin in the snow. Crazycakes! Even in little things that don't matter, I can't seem to get focused on what it is that I really want. I want love, but can't stand being lonely, and make decisions to leave because it is easier than being hurt by trying to find love again, I want adventure, but love being at home, all of it is just too much sometimes.

In any event, it's the weekend in a few hours, and it will be great to be home. (even more time to think...Hooray!) Three weeks to go at work, and six until I leave. I will continue to try to focus on the center, and not get polarized by the extremes of decision making. We'll see how it goes.