MLK Monday

I have a dream........What a great speech, an awesome sentiment, to judge by the content of character, rather than the color of skin. Nice that the man is honored as he should be...

Another work week starting, and only this one and next, and then I am all done with Sweetserland. The leaving Sweetser is the easiest part of the entire leaving equation, and except for the friends I have made along the way, not much will be missed. There are so many great people who I have met at work, and the reason I have lasted here as long as I have. Many of these friends have moved on to other work, so it feels comfortable that it is now my turn to go.

I have started packing, and preparing in earnest. There are still many details, but my lists are getting crossed off a bit more each day. I will do as much as I am able and the rest will have to be left for others to pick up on in my absence. I have a new laptop and camera, but I have not quite figured out how to make them work. That will be my next bit of work.

The duality of indecision

Okay, I think it was Sir Issac Newton: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, or, to put it another way, the Clash: Should I stay or should I go now? If I knew how to put a link to the song, I would do that here, because it has been in my head constantly for the past 2 days or so. I know that I am definitely going, so it's more of the Newton philosophy of trying to find balance in a world of opposite and competing expectations: I want to go, it will be a great experience, the world is a great place to be out and about in, I love adventure, etc. at cross purposes with what will I miss while I am gone, the safety and security of home and the relationships with the people I love. The list is shorter in actual items for staying, but the needs are deeper. I am basically a homebody, and this letting go is hard for me. Fortunately, the details do seem to be working themselves out. I have a family who is supportive of this journey, a home and a life to return to, I am not destitute, I love to laugh, and I generally know that the glass is half full. (Whether the glass is half full, or half empty, there is still only half a glass, and room for plenty more in life!)

Here is a perfect example of this lack of decision making/process in a concrete form: Have you seen my myspace page? I wrote at the top how much I was loving the unseasonably warm weather we had this past week. And, in the very same update to my page, I added graphics of a cabin in the snow. Crazycakes! Even in little things that don't matter, I can't seem to get focused on what it is that I really want. I want love, but can't stand being lonely, and make decisions to leave because it is easier than being hurt by trying to find love again, I want adventure, but love being at home, all of it is just too much sometimes.

In any event, it's the weekend in a few hours, and it will be great to be home. (even more time to think...Hooray!) Three weeks to go at work, and six until I leave. I will continue to try to focus on the center, and not get polarized by the extremes of decision making. We'll see how it goes.

Letting it go....

I had a blast last night! Tess and I went downtown to Joshua's and MJ's and went dancing! What a blast! I have to admit, in the almost 8 years that I have lived in Brunswick, I never really experienced this scene, only MJ's for martini's, which is VERY different. I forgot how much I love to dance!!!! They don't allow smoking in bars here, which I think they probably should, but it was always part of my old reasoning for not going out into the smokey bars when I could stay home and relax. Personally, I think it is great that they have banned smoking in so many places, but I still think that drinking and smoking are so closely linked that a bar is the one public place where it still should be allowed. Linnea and I have talked about this, as we always have some culture shock going back and forth between ME and PA. PA still allows smoking in many public places, and for smokers, it is nice to to have to go outside on a night as cold as last night. Anyway, I have been so stressed and anxious, and this was the second bestest thing that I have done in the past few weeks to release that anxiety. I won't share here what the best has been, but this was awesome, too!

Starting to pack, deal with the big issues

Okay, now it is really starting to feel real. The holidays are over, the snow is on the ground, and any diversions that were in my way have now fallen by the wayside. I have only a few more weeks of work, and absolutely NO investment in being at Sweetser, other than to hang out with the people that I really like and will miss terribly. I know I am not really keeping anyone from doing their own work, but I am so distracted at work that when I am not actually doing an assessment I am totally useless.

I know that so many people think that I am a laid back person, and maybe on the outside I appear that way. All I can say is that I have been anxious, tearful and really second-guessing this whole leaving thing. Some of the anxiety is clearly tied to money and a huge upcoming outlay to the dentist. It is KILLING ME to do this, and I know that is a significant part of my current frame of mind. Also, it is so cold here, and at least I have central heat. Who knows what I will have there? I just was talking with Adrienne, who referred to it as COLDOVA instead of Moldova. She cracks me up! I don't want to be cold. Today at least, I want to go somewhere warm and soak up the sun. (I know I am whining, sorry!) She made a really good suggestion that I call my friend, Ed, who was in Africa last year in the PC and returned in Feb. I believe that what I am feeling is normal, and part of the process of letting go, but I was not expecting to feel these feeling quite so strongly...YIKES!

Linnea has been great about everything, and she has once again stepped up to show me how to do some things that need to be done. I have had some strong feelings about men and relationships and confusion about everything, and just feeling generally overwhelmed. I think of her as the more excitable person most of the time, but she has been like a rock. Just supportive and grown-up, and it is very cool. She is heading back to PA this weekend, so be prepared to read more whining, and anxiety-driven rants as the time draws near. This too shall pass....

Happy New Year!

Not to get all dreamy, thinking about what 2008 will be, but I do know it will bring so many new adventures. Each day getting out of bed, you never know what the day will bring, but I predict that the coming year will be more exciting and anventuresome than 2007. Almost exactly a year ago, on January 3, 2007, my BFF in Maine, Tess, and I headed to Boston for my Peace Corps interview. It has been a year of testing, and patience, and testing my patience, but in less than two months I am heading off to Moldova! A similar process of waiting, and testing of my patience, also happened at work. So many good people, people who are hard working and skilled, were let go from Sweetser. I am still there, but this last year has been the most challenging, by far.
Also in 2007, Linnea moved out and is really moving toward independence. She has made terrific progress, and has her home looking so good. There are still some structural issues that absolutely need to be addressed in the coming year, but I am so proud of her, and know that she will do well in my absence, even though we will miss each other terribly.
Other friends have gotten married, had babies, lost people that they love, and moved forward with their lives. I have made some great new friends this past year, and lost touch with some friends due to the busy-ness of life.
Like every other day, January first is just another day. But in so many ways, it is a time for reflection of the past and dreaming of the future. May you all have all your dreams fulfilled in 2008....Love, Jami